Reflection and Sermon
First Parish Unitarian Universalist Church, Chelmsford, Massachusetts
November 12, 2006
Copyright 2006, Ellen Rowse Spero. All rights reserved.
Two weeks ago, I talked about why it is time for us to become an official UUA Welcoming Congregation for Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender persons. I outlined the practical reasons and the theological reasons, those grounded in our faith and our Unitarian Universalist tradition, our Unitarian Universalist covenant, often called our Seven Principles and Purposes. The Welcoming Congregation team and I held a workshop the following Friday evening, to help us get a sense of what we are already doing to meet the UUA Welcoming Congregation criteria and where we need to do some work. I learned two things. The first is that we are very willing to learn. We are open to learning about the obstacles, the discrimination, and the prejudice that transgender, bisexual, lesbian and gay persons and their families face. We want to listen to the stories and learn more about what to do to help, support, welcome, and to witness, and I hope, to open ourselves to transformation in our own hearts, our own lives, our own community, our world.
The other thing I learned is how easy, in the midst of a process like this where we are asked to examine and understand the prejudice and discrimination that individuals in and beyond our congregation face simply because of who they are, how easy it is to fall into an "us/them" way of thinking. What do they, ie, gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual persons, need from us to do to make them feel welcome in our church? I don’t believe that this is our intention. But it is the impact. I heard "they" and "them" a lot during the workshop. I know that I am as guilty as anyone in this.
But I realized as I thought through this that it is not "us" and "them." It is all of us, for we claim to be a congregation, a community. "I’m here for the community" is an oft-repeated phrase around here. Well, as a community we are men and women, including transgender, we are children, youth and adults, we are of different racial, religious, and economic backgrounds, we are bisexual, straight, and gay. Becoming a Welcoming Congregation is not something we are doing for them. It is something we are doing for us. We are doing this for us because individuals in our community face legal discrimination, and overt and subtle prejudice and hatred that causes some of us to have to hide or deny fundamental parts of ourselves, even in this sanctuary. We are doing it for us because we recognize that to be a community of faith, we must practice trusting one another with what matters most. And if we ask to trust one another with the raising of our children, with walking us through our lives and sometimes through our illnesses and our dying, with to our deepest hopes and fears, our accomplishments and our failures, our struggles and pain, then we need to practice speaking and listening with a both/and thoughtfulness that recognizes we are individuals, AND that we are in community. Part of growing our souls and the soul of this community is to listen to one another’s stories and come to know better how our individual stories fit into the larger story of our religious life together, to the ideals and practices and vision of a world healed and whole we strive to create. I often describe Unitarian Universalism as trusting the power of love to be stronger than the power of fear. I believe this. But to practice it takes risk. Opening ourselves to walking together in a spirit of love means being vulnerable together, being honest about both our strengths and weaknesses, our hopes and our fears, and being open to learning, to being changed to being transformed.
So, this morning I invite you to listen to and bear witness to the story of one of us, a member of our community, our congregation. As you will hear, Carole’s story is her own, unique to who she is. It is also part of our larger story as a congregation, as a community of faith.
Copyright 2006, Carole C. Russell. All rights reserved.
Good Morning, I am Carole Russell. Let me begin by saying, thank-you to Ellen and the Welcoming Congregation for allowing me to provide the sermon this morning. It is my hope it will provide some thoughtful insight into the reasons why we should become a Welcoming Congregation.
This sermon has three parts. First some history, then specific reactions during the Welcoming Congregation timeframe and then a few more general thoughts that have been cycling through my mind. Please walk with me through this journey.
Beth and I have been coming here for 20 years. We have always been "out" as a lesbian couple. I came to this church because I wanted to create a connection to the community we were living in. I joined because when I read and as I understood the principles, I felt they were basically mother-hood and apple pie. To me it was to a large extent of how I lived my life. I never analyzed it as a religious faith.
Beth and I were very active, Parish affairs, membership, adhoc house management, the choir, ways and means and standing committee. During this time, Beth and I had decided we would have children. Like many heterosexual couples before we could be comfortable doing this we wanted to have a commitment ceremony as a public announcement of our commitment to each other. On June 10, 1995 the Reverand Karen Foley performed our ceremony of union.
13 months later our first son, Ethan was born. A couple of years later Bryce was born. In each of these cases, even though the were fully legally Beth’s children we went through the formal process of adoption, Massachusetts is one of the few states that allow same sex parents to adopt children. For those of you unaware of the process let me briefly explain. First, Beth had to give up custody of our son, then we had to hope and pray that the judge would allow us to adopt them back. You see if we were a heterosexual couple this is a no big deal, but as a same sex couple there is always the risk, dependent on the judge, that they will not allow us to adopt back our son.
Both of our children were dedicated in this church, by this congregation. It is bond that is meant to last, it is along the lines of it takes a village to raise a child. While the boys were young we were less active but still present, I served on the Board of Investment, we have taught RE, and Beth was on and chair of the Standing committee.
On May 22, 2004 Beth and I were legally married in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in this very sanctuary and celebrated accordingly. Later that year the memorial service was held for my Dad. I had come to think of this community as a second home. It has been a part of my life for 20 years, through good times and sad, through birth and death.
There have been several times during these years when there were a couple of comments I would like to share. First, I was asked to do a credo service. I always declined, I had not even begun to solidify my religious beliefs. To be honest I had never really given it any thought. Second, I was referred to and introduced as a pillar of the church. The people making the introduction or comment always thought this was a compliment. For myself I was always embarrassed. How can you be a pillar of a church of religious faith when you don’t feel religious and have no clue what you believe? When asked what religion I was I always said I go to the Unitarian Universalist Church in Chelmsford. Not that I was a UU but that I went to the church.
Roughly a year ago I became aware that Diana Keohane and Carla Corey had decided to lead the church community through the "Welcoming Congregation" Process. I was thrilled. I had wanted the church to do this for years but it is not an Initiative that should be led by a lesbian, so I never pushed too hard. However, when I found they had started the committee I also thought there should be Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender representation on the committee. Besides, I thought the work would be a no-brainer, afterall I had been coming here for 20 years.
I think it was the first meeting I went to when I asked the committee what did "Welcoming" mean to them? How would they expect someone who was GLBT to be treated when they came into our church? We discussed it for a minute, and I said how would you "require" people to act, meaning what was the minimum acceptable behavior. The answer I got did not appear to be welcoming. Putting it nicely would have described it as tolerance, or avoidance. It wasn’t the best start for me. As time progressed it became apparent that the people on the committee were interested, but we were not reaching the parishioners that were not already accepting. At this point I realized it was not a no brainer, in fact far from it. Furthermore, as I worked with this committee, adaptations and accommodations of my behavior that had become second nature over the previous 20 years in an effort not too offend became glaringly clear and were forcing me to re-examine, and re-evaluate mine and other people’s reaction in light of Welcoming Congregation expectations. For example, the looks Beth and I will occasionally get when we hold hands. The fact I don’t put my arm around her shoulders when we are in the pews. The fact that even at our commitment ceremony our "wedding kiss" was awkward because all along we have tried not to offend even in this church where we should not have had to worry about it. I suspect the kiss at our wedding wasn’t much better. These events seem to amplify for me as we go through the process. It had become apparent that not only had I thought I would be a no-brainer I started to realize that it may be tougher for me than those on the committee. To balance the needs of the community while weighing what are important parts of me. These difficult times, include sharing painful memories or events, in an effort to try and add reality to the committee’s discussion.
Then this past spring we had the cottage meetings. Although I attended only one I saw the data from them all. It was not pretty. I got upset with some of the comments, I did not expect the depth of negative feelings some people were expressing. I had to understand why I was so bothered. So like any good engineer I went looking for root cause. I asked "why did I expect a different outcome in the first place ?".
My immediate answer was because they are Unitarian Universalists and their covenant and principles say: We the member congregations of the Unitarian Universalist Association covenant to affirm and promote:
The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity, and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth in meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of the world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
I had thought if you were a UU then you believed in those principles and that your actions would live up to the principles intent. The first two principles in particular are important to the Welcoming Congregation initiative. To affirm and promote: the inherent worth and dignity of every person, to affirm and promote justice, equity, and compassion in human relations.
At this point I said okay let me look within myself. I joined a community, not because of its’ religious intent but to form a bond where I lived. I had never truly committed my self to Unitarian, Universalism. Maybe perhaps there were a large number of people in the same boat, where they too were here for the community.
I then examined my feelings, beliefs, convictions, priorities, and manner of living. I discovered that although I had not ever considered myself religious, I am. I really am a Unitarian Universalist, not that I just go to that church but I support, believe, and live the principles as a way of life.
So in the future if someone refers to me as a pillar of the church, I will accept it as the compliment I believe intended. When asked what religion I am I will reply "I am a Unitarian Universalist". This revelation allowed me to say yes to Joe Buckley when he asked me to be his mentor in Coming of Age. That is the greatest honor I have ever received by this church community. Thank-you Joe.
So now for a few related thoughts along the way.
I have experienced prejudice from many directions: As a woman, at times because of my youth, as a non-German, non-Dutch, and because I am a lesbian. All of us have prejudices, myself included. Probably the most difficult for me are those around people suffering from mental illness. To start:
The definition of prejudice is an adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. [reference: www.thefreedictionary.com].
Please understand, when you tell someone to not take something personally as I have been numerous times during this process, it is personal. For someone to show prejudice is a personal act on their part, it is their belief and they are the one that needs to change their mind. The victim of prejudice will take it personally because they have been prejudged about something that is personal to them, most likely they can’t change about themselves.
I have always thought that knowledge was the greatest weapon against prejudice. What continues to mystify me is that people who have interacted with me for 20 years, during which I have answered all manner of questions, can still demonstrate or have prejudice against GLBT, or at least Lesbians. I think I have figured out that they probably have listened but not analyzed the facts.
It is further interesting to note that what most GLBT people want is to be treated the same as everyone else. We are not looking to be treated as better than others but to merely be treated equally. The exception beyond equality to be a Welcoming Congregation is that we need to advertise we are "Welcoming". The reason is because there are so many churches that are not it has caused many GLBT to not attend any church. Who wants to go anywhere and be treated as unwanted or worse, less human. Making it publically known that we are a welcoming congregation should be regarded as part of the promote portion of our covenant.
So, Where are we today. Ellen gave a terrific sermon a couple of weeks ago, and we followed up with a workshop that has provided plenty of direction for the coming months. I will continue to help as I can with the Welcoming Congregation Committee. I don’t think it will get any easier but I hope my presence has been helpful. This Initiative is important, for the congregation, for our religious beliefs, for my family, and me. It has been a long time coming and as Ellen indicated it is time for us to work through this and make it happen.
We are a congregation faced with a great opportunity. The welcoming congregation Initiative is encouraging us to learn about other people, their life, their needs, their strengths. Yes, the focus is Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender. It is a place to start. The lessons we learn will help as we further our welcoming to other groups.
Perhaps most importantly, it is, an opportunity for us to all reaffirm, embrace, promote, and deepen our Unitarian Universalist faith.